Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Dark night of the soul

Last night when Eli woke up for his 11:30pm feed I burst into tears. I can't do this.

Because of Shane's wrist he can barely pick Eli up to burp or change him. We ended up both getting up together and going into the nursery, me bawling my eyes out the whole time. He had a nappy change, then a feed, then another nappy change, then a feed on the other side, then another nappy change before he went down an hour later. I got 3 hours sleep after that, but still cried again the next time he woke up. I actually dreamt that Shane was already holding him and burping him, but a few noises later as I awoke properly I realised he was still lying in his bassinette waiting for me. I had to get up. I took care of his change and a 30min feed with some tears.

Meanwhile this gorgeous boy cheerfully got on with his feeding and other needs. He is perfect. I'm just tired.

His final feed was at 5:45am, a repeat of his 11:30pm feed - 3 nappies, 2 boobs. Shane helped me. We tried to go back to sleep but Eli was grisley, I was crying and Shane had to burp him and change him again. Eventually it was clear he didn't want to hang out in his bassinette so I took him to see his Nan, who agreed there was no way he could possibly still be hungry.

I had my breakfast and went back to bed for a nap while Eli hung out with Nan. I think he knew it was daytime and wanted to be up.

It's 10am and I'm exhausted. Need lots of napping today to get through the night. Of course, Eli had a good night. It was only a bad night because of me - because I'm tired, because I'm depleted. My head aches and my soul hurts. But I have the most beautiful baby in the world hiccuping away near me. Shane is on the phone to his boss deciding whether to go into work today - he's pretty darn late. I hope he doesn't get into trouble. He needs that job.

Onward and upward.

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