I'm a Big Ole Meanie!

I don't really need a hug, I can manage, but I would *love* some commiseration.

I'm a senior manager. But at the end of the day, there's not some magic separation between staff and management - it's just the role we fulfill and what's expected of us, not who we are. I understand how the managers I have had over the years have felt now.

I have a newish employee who is very, very young. We deliberately wanted a junior, somebody who had the right skills and some basic experience, but who we could mold and shape. We also wanted some young energy into a company where we all work insanely hard and are passionate about what we do.

She is driving me insane. She is the truly cliche i-Gen. She plays with her iphone and texts her friends constantly. She tries to chat at length about personal issues with me when I'm in the middle of important tasks. She gets stuck on a task she's been given and instead of coming to ask me she just leaves it until I come to check in with her - which might be awhile if I'm busy. (Everytime she does come to see me she starts with "I'm so sorry to bother you..." so I think she genuinely thinks the right thing to do is wait). The thing is, she actually does a great job when she applies herself. There's certain tasks I've given her that she's gone ahead and done perfectly. She had picked up our complicated computer system fast. So I'm actually happy with her overall. She just needs to focus more and work a lot faster. She was great at first when I had heaps of training time with her, but now it's been a couple of months I have to focus on other very important aspects of my job and can't devote everyday to her.

The level of micromanagement required is driving me insane. But I still think she has potential. I just feel like a big ole meanie having to send stern emails or have serious talks about her commitment and focus. Argh.. :( Nobody wants to be that person! don't get me wrong, I'm doing it - I'm doing what's needed. I think it's fair to her to ensure she's redirected appropriately, the last thing I want is for her to be blindsided by any of this. I'm clear on expectations. And we have good communication, and so far she is actually responding well to feedback and working hard to improve. But despite it all, I'm fairly certain she tells her friends what a mean boss I am. Monday I'm in meetings so don't have time to supervise closely, so I've sent her an email with a fairly strict list of tasks she needs to do, and also reminded her that it is completely inappropriate to be playing with her phone etc when she still has work to finish. So I feel bad as I know she is about to walk into work tomorrow and be very surprised (she has a very cruisy attitude). Ah well, tough love. Perhaps it's preparing me for parenthood!

911

Such an odd thing. Earlier today, I was watching and old movie that happened to remind me of 9/11. The movie was The Towering Inferno. Usually I find old movies fairly poor overall in terms of scripts and content, but this movie is deserving of it's Oscar nomination.

When I watch tv, I almost always end up googling. I can't help myself. Sometimes I have the tv on, my laptop on my knee, and am looking up other things on my iPhone at the same time. My mind is a constant train of thought, and being able to satisfy those thoughts with research is very enjoyable for me. So here is how my train of thought went:

Hmm, rescuing people from levels above the fire, interesting
At the twin towers, lots of people were trapped but there wasn't time to be rescued.
I don't remember who those people were - which company was on the *top* floor?

Hence, I googled "The World Trade Center". When a website for the WTC came up, my immediate thought was "Oh wow, they kept the site up as a tribute all of these years, how amazing!" Only to realise that no, it's a site advertising the "new" WTC and looking for tenants. So I went to Wikipedia instead. And read through the entire history of the WTC. And surprisingly, as I neared the end, I suddenly realised that I was crying.

I wasn't in the US at 9/11, nor were any of my loved ones taken from me. In fact, I have never personally been to the US (yet). I would never presume to understand what people have been through. Everybody's experience is to a varying degree, and so many people were impacted by that event.

That night is so vivid to me. My Dad was flying out to the US on a business trip, and he needed either my brother or I to drive him to the airport (we were both in high school and had both just got our licences). So instead of going to bed or watching tv, we sat up late around the table talking while waiting to leave. Suddenly he gets a phone call, leapt up, and running towards the living room told us what had happened. This was in between #1 and #2.... so we flicked on the tv and were watching when the second happened. I stayed up all night that night in front of the news.

Growing Up or Meandering Along

A big part of adulthood seems to be disappointment.

Expectations that aren't met.

Goals that aren't achieved.

Beliefs that we've held from a young age being shattered through the revelations of time.

Joyful experiences of our childhood that we fail to recreate. Accepting that the past is gone.

Perhaps that's why they say intelligence can be a curse. The more we visualise, the more we imagine, the more we believe is possible, the greater the potential disappointment when we let ourselves down or the world fails to deliver on our expectations. Finding a way to live in the moment is the only way to deal with that disappointment. Goals are good. Hope is good. But if we're not happy right here, right now, then it's all for naught. The little joys in life are necessary to ensure the greater joys of life.

My Browsing Habits

I regularly read a lot of sites. I also like generally browsing, which means I stumble across the occasional gem that tickles my fancy. In fact, sometimes I stumble across a fun site, follow it for a few weeks, somehow forget about it entirely, then get to experience the joy of checking it out again after a prolonged absence.

Here is my more 'regular' browsing history.

Each morning when I wake up I load the following sites on my phone:

www.notalwaysright.com
www.fmylife.com

They're light, they give me a laugh, and they overall provide a relaxed and obligation free start to the day.

There are other regularly sites that I've given up on following on my iPhone, but always keep up to date on (albeit only 2-3 times per week) on my computer:

www.failbook.com
www.lamebook.com
www.dyac.com

For a bit more detailed fun, I like to check out:

www.news.com.au
www.nzherald.com.au
www.dailymail.co.uk

And yes, I know that the daily mail is trash - but it is gossipy and fun. I don't believe everything that it says, but I enjoy it all the same. News.com.au I check out each morning, and in fact use as a default site whenever I'm not entirely sure where to go.

On the weekends I branch out further afield:

www.stfuparents.blog.com
pottersues.livejournal.com

They're sites you might love. You might hate. In fact, on potter sues I frequently hate myself and the world temporarily, as I realise how many stupid people exist on this planet. Then I see a story by a teenage girl who clearly has some talent. Who just needs to hone her skills. Who has the art of description, but needs to learn not to rush the storyline. And I go "Wow, I learnt a lot from reading this". And then the laugh - or lack thereof - doesn't matter. Because a person has give some info to this person.

Black Days

Today is a black day, and it's one of those inexplicable and highly noticeable black days. For one thing, it's a Saturday.
If I wake up on a Tuesday feeling down, I just go about my daily routine. In fact, that's part of the reason my work routine is so set in stone - I have to get up and going quickly in the morning, or not at all. It's up, shower, clothes, and out the door to the train. At work there are a million priorities demanding my attention. Before I know it, the day passes. Varying degrees of blackness will impact on whether it's a good day or a bad day, but either way - it's a day

On a weekend I have no external demands on my time. If I crack, I crack. If I struggle, I struggle. There's more time free to rationalise, to focus on the positives and the obvious fact that I have a particularly awesome life. But there's also more time to just 'feel'. Time to stress. Time to slip into the darkness. Today I got up early, because sleeping is hard in the blackness. By 11:30 I was in full meltdown at my beautiful husband and plans for the day were in disarray. I pulled myself together and we went out, had lunch, browsed the shops and took in a movie. It was nice. Yet the entire time, the black dog was hanging over my shoulder. This unshakeable feeling of something being wrong, of nothing being worth it, of life being a terrible, terrible tragic waste of effort.

But it's 7:56pm on Saturday, and the day is nearly done. I'm going to have a glass of wine and play my piano. Evenings are exciting, because the end of another day means the dawn of a new one. And no two days are exactly the same. Sure, I might feel the same way tomorrow. But some of those are Up days, where the world is the MostFantasticAwesomeExcitingPlaceEVER and ILOOOVEMyLife. I don't think I'd want to be stuck in that mode permanently either. Too unpredictable. So if I can't be in a balanced place, right in the middle, I'll just ride out the roller coaster. My Nana always said "This Too Shall Pass". And she was right.

Voting voting voting

The nice thing about elections is that they never matter as much as people think they do. My newsfeed is abuzz with angst tonight, as my NZ friends on FB breakdown the results of the NZ parliament elections. 
But really, we (and by we I mean those of us in Australia, NZ, and any other Western democratic countries) are lucky to live in places we have the opportunity to vote. Where nobody is standing at the polling booth with gun in hand. Where we fear no prosecution or persecution based on our voting choices, and have complete freedom to exercise our preference as we please.

I know that this whole "it could be worse argument" can be fallacious, and I don't attempt to minimise the frustration of those whose party loses in their estimation of things. But really, the differences between the parties in NZ are slim. We are not talking about women's rights vs. being forced to wear the burqa. We are talking about policy differences on selling economic assets, addressing poverty, climate change, etc. The type of policy that can be changed by whoever gets into office anyway - it's not specific enough that they commit to their course of action. Yes, they have different perspectives. But overall the rights of the everyday citizen will remain the same. It comes down to difference of opinion, rather than differences in rights and privileges. And we should consider ourselves fortunate to be in that position.

Let them Eat Pie

Tonight I baked an apple pie. The notable part is that today is a Monday, and the start of a 'long' work week. But I don't feel that way anymore. Instead, I come home from work and bake pie. Because yesterday I made Bacon & Egg Pie, and today I had leftover pastry to use. Once, it would have been forgotten in the fridge and ultimately thrown out. But not now. I know every item in the fridge, I have meals planned for the week. I have heightened awareness of every aspect of my daily life.

Suddenly, I'm not wasting anything, nor leaving mess in the house, nor pursuing my other lazy, confused, disorganised habits.

Living in the moment, the mundane becoming the sublime in it's own twisted way. Hmmm. I have pie to eat!