Saturday, December 10, 2011

Black Days

Today is a black day, and it's one of those inexplicable and highly noticeable black days. For one thing, it's a Saturday.
If I wake up on a Tuesday feeling down, I just go about my daily routine. In fact, that's part of the reason my work routine is so set in stone - I have to get up and going quickly in the morning, or not at all. It's up, shower, clothes, and out the door to the train. At work there are a million priorities demanding my attention. Before I know it, the day passes. Varying degrees of blackness will impact on whether it's a good day or a bad day, but either way - it's a day
On a weekend I have no external demands on my time. If I crack, I crack. If I struggle, I struggle. There's more time free to rationalise, to focus on the positives and the obvious fact that I have a particularly awesome life. But there's also more time to just 'feel'. Time to stress. Time to slip into the darkness. Today I got up early, because sleeping is hard in the blackness. By 11:30 I was in full meltdown at my beautiful husband and plans for the day were in disarray. I pulled myself together and we went out, had lunch, browsed the shops and took in a movie. It was nice. Yet the entire time, the black dog was hanging over my shoulder. This unshakeable feeling of something being wrong, of nothing being worth it, of life being a terrible, terrible tragic waste of effort.
But it's 7:56pm on Saturday, and the day is nearly done. I'm going to have a glass of wine and play my piano. Evenings are exciting, because the end of another day means the dawn of a new one. And no two days are exactly the same. Sure, I might feel the same way tomorrow. But some of those are Up days, where the world is the MostFantasticAwesomeExcitingPlaceEVER and ILOOOVEMyLife. I don't think I'd want to be stuck in that mode permanently either. Too unpredictable. So if I can't be in a balanced place, right in the middle, I'll just ride out the roller coaster. My Nana always said "This Too Shall Pass". And she was right.

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